


Ciarlocco Furioso, ossia Too Hot to Handel

by goldvermilion87



Category: Opera, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-07
Updated: 2011-07-07
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:26:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldvermilion87/pseuds/goldvermilion87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A crossover between 18th century opera and Sherlock</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ciarlocco Furioso, ossia Too Hot to Handel

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was written for a cracky crossover challenge. It is a crossover between 18th century Handelian opera and Sherlock. What can I say? It was co-plotted with labourslamp. I have added more notes at the end for anyone brave enough to read through with out any prior knowledge of 18th c opera. Also, the urls are for the real Handel songs that those words fit, if you're interested. You might not have time to listen to the songs the whole way through, but just a snippet could be entertaining. Then you can really visualize Sherlock and John singing them. Hehe :-)

_It oftentimes happen'd likewise, that the finest Notes in the Air fell upon the most insignificant Words in the Sentence. I have know the Word And pursu'd through the whole Gamut, have been entertain'd with many a melodious The, and have heard the most beautiful Graces, Quavers and Divisions bestow'd upon Then, For, and From; to the eternal Honour of our English Particles._ –Joseph Addison on Italian Opera sung in English from The Spectator No. 18

ARIA (John)  
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7U7kspn7r0](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7U7kspn7r0)

 _Winds  
Winds, for pity's sake  
Breathe onto my breast  
As a comfort-oh lord!-  
As a comfort-oh lord!-  
To my sadness  
To my sadness  
To my sadness-  
oh lord!-  
To my sadnes  
Winds, for pity's sake  
for pity's sake  
Winds breathe onto my breast  
As a comfort-oh lord!-  
To my sadness  
To my sadness_

[SHERLOCK: Wha-]

 _Say  
Say  
Why it is  
That I must follow him  
That most infuriating man  
When I am tired  
Say  
Say  
For when I am very hungry and tired  
And haven't eaten for hours  
I find them in the ice box:  
The dismembered body parts from the morgue_

[SHERLOCK: John, why is your voice so high? It sounds ridic—]

 _Winds, for pity's sake  
Breathe onto my breast  
As a comfort-oh lord!-  
As a comfort-oh lord!-  
To my sadness  
To my sadness  
To my sadness-  
Oh lord!-  
To my sadness.  
Winds, for pity's sake  
for pity's sake  
Winds, breathe onto my breast  
As a comfort-oh lord!-  
To my sadness  
To my sadness  
To my sadness_

RECITATIVO

SHERLOCK: Gianni, in the past nine minutes and forty-three seconds you have managed to express precisely one vapid emotion in the most repetitive manner possible. In the years that I have known you, I have not…

JOHN: Did you notice that you are singing? And that you called me Gianni?

SHERLOCK: Yes, of course I did. I have also observed that we are singing alto.

JOHN: When you interrupted my song!

SHERLOCK: It was drivel. A waste of Nine minutes and forty three seconds. Any interruption from me was a relief.

JOHN: Thanks, Ciarlocco. But how is this possible? You're rubbish at singing. _I'm_ rubbish at singing!

SHERLOCK: Facts! What are our facts? First: You sang an incredibly dull song about your sadness for nine minutes and forty-three seconds. Second: We are singing to each other right now. Third: We are addressing each other by Italian names. Fourth: We do not seem to be able to speak naturally.

JOHN: Then how…

SHERLOCK. Shut up and let me think! If we could only…

JOHN: Why don't we ask the man playing the piano?

SHERLOCK: What ma—Micorotto! What are you doing here, birbone?

MYCROFT: It's a harpsichord, Gianni. And Mummy would be so displeased, Ciarlocco, that you do not recognize an eighteenth century opera seria when you are in one.

SHERLOCK: Opera is irrelevant to my work.

MYCROFT: Is it now? Let me enlighten you, then. You are in an eighteenth century Italian opera. You are both castrati…

JOHN: _Castrat…_

SHERLOCK: Be quiet, Gianni!

MYCROFT: Castrati, which means one of you is probably the romantic hero. The other might be his lover, or her eunuch, or…

SHERLOCK: Then you did this?

MYCROFT: No, I'm just the continuo.

JOHN: The continuo?

SHERLOCK: This is recitative secco, buffone! Do keep up. But all your information is irrelevant, Micorotto. If you would let me think, I would be able to deduce how we might extricate ourselves from this situation.

JOHN: What if we just keep singing? Maybe when we get to the end...

SHERLOCK: Absolutely not. I refuse to sing a repetitive aria. I'm a consulting detective, not a performing monkey! The very idea makes me furious!

ARIA ( _Sherlock_ )  
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anm4M_FD5sI](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anm4M_FD5sI)

 _When the idiots who populate this planet  
Think they're smart and open their mouths  
Think they're smart  
and open  
and open their mouths  
When the idiots  
Who populate  
This planet  
Who populate this planet  
Think they're smart  
and open  
and open their mouths  
When the idiots  
Who populate  
This planet  
Think they're smart  
And open their mouths  
And open their mouths  
_

 _In my great brain there is unflagging fury  
At their stulti  
At their stultifying slowness  
At their stultifying slowness  
In my great brain there is unflagging fury  
At their stulti  
At their stultifying slowness  
_

 _When the idiots who populate this planet  
Think they're smart and open their mouths  
Think they're smart  
and open  
and open their mouths  
When the idiots  
Who populate  
This planet  
Who populate this planet  
Think they're smart  
and open  
and open their mouths  
When the idiots  
Who populate  
This planet  
Think they're smart  
And open their mouths  
And open their mouths_

JOHN: And you said you were... a consulting detective, Ciarlocco?

SHERLOCK: Misero, attendi! Se vuoi morir!

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a terrible explanation. I apologize in advance.
> 
> Very little usually happens in an 18th century opera seria. The storyline can often be summed up in a few paragraphs. The action takes place during the "recitative" where the singers sing as if speaking. A continuo instrument plays chords behind the singers, but the singers take it at their pace, etc. In between the recitative-in-which-very-little-happens there are songs in which the characters express their emotions/reactions... for a long time... The most famous type of song (or aria) was the Da Capo Aria.
> 
> The Da Capo Aria was the staple of 18th century opere serie. There is an A section, followed by a contrasting B section, followed by the A section again. The fun of this is that during the repeat of the A section, the singer ornamented like crazy. (This is just as fun to do as to listen to!).
> 
> The stars of opere seriewere very often castrati. They were castrated around the age of 12 (I think) so that their voices would never change. This created a sound with the clearness of a boy, but the power of a man's lungs behind it. By all accounts is was a uniquely lovely sound. However, we're all happy that we don't do that anymore... Anyway... Castrati were the rock stars of the 18th century. They played the romantic hero AND the romantic heroine at times. They also played eunuchs and bad guys... and, well... pretty much anyone. But the main thing is that they played both men and women.
> 
> So that's my terrible explanation of opera seria. All appearances to the contrary, I could actually give a pretty decent lecture on the subject, but it's 3AM, so if you want to learn more, I suggest wikipedia.
> 
> I might make this more coherent in the morning. :-)
> 
> PS: Seriously, you could sing those lyrics along with the song. It would be awkward at times BUT THAT WAS TOTALLY INTENTIONAL! :-P
> 
> PPS: I hope my made up Italian names don't mean something awful in Italian. I was just doing my best (AKA goofiest) approximation of Italian transliterations of not-remotely-Italian names. Sort of like... Serse for Xerxes... that sort of thing...


End file.
